How To Book An Escort - Is it ok if...?
Actually, the title should be called NO WORRIES MATE because while I've covered the basics on how to set up an appointment in my FAQs - the information I need from you in order to move forward - this blog entry deals with a different problem, namely the many causes of anxiety that might keep a client from enjoying their experience to the fullest. Especially if you are new to the world of paid companionship, you might have a hundred questions, but you hesitate to ask. These are uncharted waters. So these are the things I want you to know in case you have ever wondered, Would it be ok if I...?
1. It's OK to be ugly.
"Will she/he/they find me attractive?" is the first question everyone asks themselves before they go out on a date. "What if I'm too tall/ too short/ too old/ too bald/ too fat/ not athletic/ cool/ outgoing/ witty/ interested in art..." Everyone has insecurities and nothing brings them to the forefront like the prospect of meeting a stranger on a first date.
It's important to remember - a booking is not a date, your escort is not your speed dating partner but a professional companion who specializes in creating an experience to make you feel like you are on your best date ever, therefore many of the anxieties of civilian dating do not apply.
What an escort finds attractive in a client is different from what a woman looking for a date finds attractive. First off, your looks are non-essential. Forget about your age, your weight, your color, your hair, your shape, or that you can't tell a joke without messing up the punch line, or wear a fresh shirt without immediately getting mustard on it, that all don't matter.
Don't ask yourself, will my escort want to date me?
Ask yourself, will my escort remember me as a great client?
Here is the stuff that makes you the cool-shades guy whose name will be circled by a big yellow sun that will bring a smile to my face every time you show up in my inbox: Be trustworthy. Be reliable. Be considerate. Be on time. Respect my boundaries. Shower.
2. It's OK to be bad in bed.
Performance anxiety is a thing of the past. You are not here to impress, you are here to enjoy yourself. If your pleasure is to please your partner, that's great, but don't pressure yourself, it's counterproductive (see point 4). Also, nobody is bad in bed as long as they can take directions.
Which brings us straight to the next point.
3. It's OK to be explicit.
Bad sex happens to good people when they don't talk openly about what they enjoy.
In the outside world, people often find it difficult to communicate to their partner what they like or don't like in bed. Interestingly, the reason many of them gave that made it so hard to share their desires was timing, like, when do I bring it up? Before, during, after sex? At the breakfast table? Unless you are a mind reader, no person can possibly guess at another person's most intimate needs. So, it's best to share it, in as much graphic detail as you want. I won't be offended and I'm not going to judge you if you want to break out your ball buster kit and the drilling tool box on our first meeting. I want you, no, I need you to know that it's safe, safe to share, to want, to be.
Likewise, I won't be shy about telling you how to please me, if you want to know how. Not everyone does, which is ok too (see point 4). But some guys claim to want to please women but really just wants to be praised and don't listen, in which case I'd rather safe myself the trouble.
Explicitness in the bedroom is always appreciated. There is much joy in letting the bodies do the talking, but if you are the vocal type, don't hold back. Simple guidance like coaching your partner through a blowjob (deeper, faster, slower, more tongue, more spit, more suction, more to the left?) is a big turn on too.
4. It's OK to be selfish.
This flies blatantly against all the relationship guides that try to teach men to be caring, giving, generous lovers, that reciprocation is key for a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.
But as I said, a booking is not a date. It is ok to be sexually selfish in the context of a booking.
If you are someone who derives most of their pleasure from pleasing their partner, that's fine.
Just remember, a booking is meant to be a space free from stresses and judgement, where you can be yourself and true and open about your needs. It's a time out from expectation, from worrying about whether or not you have satisfied your partner.
As long as you are mindful throughout the booking process, respectful of my boundaries (it is never ok to cause me emotional or physical discomfort), you can be my most appreciated client who never pleased me in bed :)
5. It's OK to not want to talk.
Don't feel you need to make conversation for the sake of politeness. If you hate small talk, skip it. If you hate to talk, period, skip it. I want you to be comfortable in your own skin. If you rather not talk in person, please tell me so in advance and pass all relevant information (pointers of your likes and dislikes, anything specific you'd like me to include in our session etc.) through with your initial communication.
6. It's OK to be boring.
If you know what you want and that's what you want every single time, why change a winning formula? Sexual exploration should be born out of a natural curiosity, a desire to experiment, or maybe you have a bucket list, not because you feel you have to reinvent the wheel and chase after every new kink and thrill because everyone else is.
Not long ago, a client asked me if I'd be willing to reduce my rates or extend the booking time for him for being an easy customer.
Clients often think of themselves as less demanding when they...
... come fast
... are young and handsome
... only go for one round
... don't want full sex
... like to talk
... prefer to spend their time pleasuring me
... are not into anything kinky, rough, weird etc.
Their ideas of what makes someone a difficult or easy, a good or bad client are quite different from my own. The difference between a good and bad client has less to do with bedroom acrobatics than booking etiquette and human decency.
A so-called 'easy' client may be anything but if he keeps cancelling, changing his appointments, doesn't respect my boundaries, plays mind games, tries to invade my privacy or pull me into his own life drama. A difficult client is someone I find difficult to like and to trust, as a person and a client, not because of his sexual tastes but how he treats me as a person and a provider.
Being physically demanding doesn't make someone automatically a bad client. Challenging, yes, but not bad or unwelcome. One client of mine suffered from ALS. He was able to achieve an erection but took an age to climax. As his illness progressed, it became increasingly harder for him to reach orgasm. We managed every time, I'm glad to say (he was one person I would have hated to let down), but by the time we made it over the finishing line, I would inevitably be frothing with sweat, lungs and muscles burning, ready to collapse; it was an endurance test, plain and simple, like climbing Mt Everest; some days, when I was already tired or stressed, I would dread the ordeal, but I never resented him for putting me through it, he remains, even after death, one of my cherished regulars, because he was a model client where it counted.
He understood and appreciated me and he reciprocated by being 100% financially faithful and dependable, by respecting my time and my boundaries, by booking in advance and never missing an appointment.
Easy is not a criterion. I don't expect easy. I have never shied away from hard labour, I prefer to earn my living. The things you work for are more satisfying anyway.
Clients come in all sizes and shapes, they all have different needs, some more demanding than others. They all deserve my best effort as long as they treat me with respect. To do anything less would be unprofessional, unkind and unfair. For someone to imply that easy clients are more deserving of preferential treatment only shows how deluded they are about themselves and how little they know about me and my work except in the most shallow terms.
Q: Why do you call yourself a courtesan? You are just a whore!
A: Oh, that old chestnut again?
I like the word courtesan because it has a nice feel, an old world feel to it.
I like that it starts with the letter C (one of my favorite letters).
The way it writes - most of the letters are rounded and curvish.
The way it looks - flat across the top with a single neat little peak in the middle.
I like that it is polysyllabic.
“To me, the greatest pleasure of writing is not what it's about,
but the music the words make.” -Truman Capote
Whore? It rhymes with bore. It also sounds a bit too bibical for me. By the way, most whores these days prefer to be known as sex workers. I have no issues with that, though I find the term rather limiting, sex workers are not defined by their willingness to have sex with clients but the service they provide as a whole.
A waiter can be described as the person who takes orders and ferries dishes. But what makes a good wait person is so much more, it is the smile, the attention to detail, the little touches, the timing, the ability to anticipate the needs of the diners. Dining out is a multi-faceted experience, the success of it hinging in equal parts on the quality of the cooking, the service and the ambience. In the same way, the pleasure of being with an escort is determined by her erotic expertise as well as her ability to make you feel comfortable, be attentive and set the right mood.
Yes, clients do want sex, mind-blowing, ecstatic, hilarous, delirious sex. (Seriously, who doesn't?) Or maybe just the garden variety sex. Or no sex at all. Only an unenlightened person would think that sex work is all about sex. Sex as we know it and sex that most people may not even recognize as such is only part of the performance. Above all it is about delivering an experience.
Thanks to Craigslist, Tinder and other hook up portals, we live in a time where sex is freely available to those who seek it, or what passes for free in this world. It can be gotten for the price of a drink, a kind word. A pretty smile. An empty promise. The motivation to seek out a sex worker has often less to do with the promise of sex but the convenience and confidence of putting yourself into the hands of a professional service provider.
It is hard, maybe impossible, to find one all-defining term for a profession as fractured, diversified and polarized as sex work/ prostitution/ whoring/ hustling/ hooking/ (fill-in-your-own-blank).
'Performance artist' seems to do more justice to our craft.
But like 'service provider', the term is too broad and general and shared by too many different professions.
I can only imagine the objections from realtors, consultants, dentists, actors, teachers etc. should they find themselves in the same category with prostitutes. As far as umbrella terms go, I'd cast my vote for 'adult entertainer'.
And let's not forget, how sex workers choose to call themselves has as much to do with how their clients see themselves. I may not mind calling myself a professional fornicator - Fornicatrix extraordinaire, if you please, ha! - hussy, slut, whore, hooker etc etc, but most of my clients would find these names disrespectful and offensive.
I call myself a courtesan, because I prefer the company of men who like to be known as patrons of beautiful women rather than frequenters of whores and harlots. (But if the patron of beautiful women wishes to call me his little whore every once in a while, he may do so, provided he asked nicely. I am nothing if not obliging.)
How we view ourselves, how the public perceives us and how others see themselves through us, is nothing but a mirror in a mirrow in a mirror. It's just talk.
To end this on a positive note, I have a friend who insists on being called a hooker. When someone asks her what she does for a living, she says: "I hook." Simple.
I quite like 'hooker' myself. It has a feisty sound to it.
'To hook' can in turn mean to beguile, to enchant, to bait, to entrap.
It can mean a one-track mind, a craze, a crush, an urge, a need, a monkey on your back.
Yes, I think I like it a lot.
Q: I want to lick youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
A: Please visit my website first for details before you get carried away ;)
Q: you talk shit dear. just say how much to sit on my face, try not to use big words.
A: - no reply -
Q: nothing special can see 100's of you here, unless, you have special way to fuck?
A: - no reply -
Q: come here and sit on my face!
This is the sort of inquiry that makes escorts shake in helpless laughter.
Obviously, it's all very sad. So sad, in fact, it's funny again.
It's sad that some people think they can denigrate an escort and still expect her to share her favors.
It's sad that some people think, just because they are paying, an escort cannot say no to anything they want her to do. It's sad that some people think, an escort should not be able to choose her own clients, when in fact, being an escort is all about freedom of choice.
Let's for a moment put aside those cases where a person is forced into sex work.
I'm talking about people who voluntarily enter sex work as a full-time or part-time career, or maybe just a sinecure. People who consider sex work a valid service to provide and get paid for. People who are in control of their lives and businesses and take pride in what they do, as every business owner would.
Those people choose to become escorts because it allows them greater freedom in life. For some, it means the freedom of having more time to spend with the kids. Or sending the kids to college. Or putting themselves through school. For others, this freedom could mean traveling the world, writing a novel, buying a car or just knowing that they won't have to worry about making rent.
At the risk of sounding like a materialistic pig, financial freedom is the greatest freedom (after freedom from slavery). Yes, there is a spiritual life as well, but we live first and foremost in a material world and when you look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, a person has to be financially secure first before becoming ready to tend to more spiritual needs. For me, the greatest gift financial freedom buys is choice, mainly to live my life on my own terms, to do as I please and be able to say no to anything I don't want to do.
However much we care about other people, our first responsibility is to ourselves. It's called self-respect. People who care for others are often suprisingly bad at looking after themselves. Caring starts with self-care. Every person deserves to be treated with respect, but the reality is that how each of us is treated by others is ultimately determined by how we allow ourselves to be treated.
As an escort, the respect I accord my clients and every other person my work brings me in contact with, is to comport myself in a professional manner at all times. (Oops, sorry, using big words again, bad habit, shall desist...) The respect I accord myself is to protect my physical and emotional wellbeing. This includes, not allowing myself to be bullied into doing things against my will, my believes and my personal and professional boundaries. Those boundaries determine what I say yes and no to, or whom I say yes or no to.
I pick and choose my clients, of course, why wouldn't I?
It is to my own advantage as well as my client's.
I'm not for everyone and not every client is for me.
I'd rather not have your business if I know we are not suited to each other and the result can only be dissatisfaction.
I'd rather not have your business if your language and attitude offends me.
I'd rather not have your business if it means I have to respect myself less for it.
The smart client knows that what's good for me is good for you.
My Body, My Choice
Among the topics that divide the sex work community, there is the question whether sex workers have the right to choose their clients. Or more clearly, should a sex worker be allowed to choose not to serve a certain subgroup of clients based on their ethnicity, or should it be considered unprofessional, unethical, unlawful and unacceptable behavior because it constitutes ethnic discrimination.
"Do sex workers have the right to refuse service?"
Non-discrimination policies are standard across all professions, granting every customer the right to fair and equal treatment in public places. No business is allowed to turn away a customer based on gender, race, color, religion etc. The right to refuse service can be exercised, within narrow guidelines and with good reason, never arbitrarily.
I'm not a lawyer and my knowledge of the legal statutes involved in this issue has as many holes as the lacy underpants I'm wearing while writing this. I can't speak to what is right according to the law. I can only share what my heart tells me which side I should take in this debate.
Amanda Brooks has blogged about this issue and the decision she has made based on her own experiences to no longer see Indian clients (read here). After reading her blog post, I started a thread on Twitter in support of her choice.
Do I believe that discrimination is wrong and that all people should be treated fairly and equally? Yes.
Do I believe that sex workers have the right to refuse service to any client for any reason? Yes.
Sex work is work and sex workers are providing a service. But I do not agree that that makes sex work a job like any other. While it is a profession and sex workers should follow a set of professional ethics and standards, the nature of the work sets sex work apart from other professions and this should be reflected in those standards.
Refusing a person entry to a bar violates that person's civil rights.
Refusing a person entry to your boy does not deprive that person of a basic right.
Pouring someone a drink is not one the same level as giving someone access to your body on the most intimate of terms.
Sexual autonomy is the right to 'refuse to have sex with anyone on whatever grounds one subjectively judges to be relevant'. Sexual autonomy is a human right, it is inviolable and absolute. It does not become conditional when you become a sex worker.
The most important condition of sex work is consent. Without consent, sex is rape.
Consent is the difference between a professional sex worker and sexual slavery.
Forcing yourself to service a client against your own volition is rape. Being shamed/pressured into servicing a client against your will but for fear of other people's opinion of you is rape.
Sex work can be the most rewarding of professions. But if you have to force yourself to do it, it is quite simply the worst.
I will always be on the side of sex workers who refuse to service a client for ANY reason.
What their motivations are is beside the point. Whether I share or approve of those motivations is beside the point.
The point in my writing this is not 'Should sex workers be allowed to discriminate? but 'Should sex workers be allowed to make their own decision over which clients they want to see?' And if the answer is yes, the first question becomes a moot point.
This is not about being right or wrong. This is about recognizing a sex worker's right to autonomy over their own body. When it comes to allowing another person access to your body, there are no rights and wrongs, no lawful or unlawful discrimination, no unacceptable or unacceptable behavior, only what you find it in yourself to do, or not.
This is about doing what is necessary to preserve your physical and mental health in a profession that takes its toll on both even under the best of circumstances. Every sex worker experiences differently, are affected differently by their work and the clients they meet. Even a fellow sex worker can never know what it means to be you.
No one has the right to tell you what you should have to put up with in this line of work.
Some people have taken this blog and my tweets to mean that I approve of or am trying to promote racist attitudes and discriminatory behavior among sex workers. If you believe that, then you have understood nothing of what I just said.
We can all agree that discrimination is wrong. But in the context of sex work, denying sex workers their right to refuse service when it conflicts with anti-discrimination laws, denies them in the same stroke their free agency.
A sex worker who discriminates against clients due to their personal prejudice may be engaging in the horrible act of dehumanizing another person, but however misguided their personal believes may be, they have the right to make their own choices on how they want to conduct their business without having to explain themselves.
Everyone has the right to sexual autonomy, that includes the biased, bigot, intolerant, prejudiced xenophobes.
I don't see how one can reconcile one with the other, to grant someone the right to refuse, but only as long as they don't engage in discriminatory behaviour. You can't have it both ways. It's a wholesale thing, you have to take the good with the bad. Nobody can be denied the right to decide to whom they are willing to give access to their body.
Some sex workers have taken it upon themselves to shame other sex workers for their decision to not see clients of a certain ethnic background. 'People in glass houses...' since I know some of the same people have publicly declared to not see clients under a certain age. Their reasons are, young guys are inconsiderate/ unreliable/ flakes/ stingy/ narcissistic etc. How is that not discriminatory behavior? What makes one type of discrimination more valid than another?
PSE vs GFE
For as long as I can remember, people have been confused about the definition of GFE.
When I first started escorting, GFE was about the service, when service was about how a client feels he is being treated. This is still how I would primarily define GFE - bedside manners, aftercare, the extra mile you would go to make a client feel that he was in good hands, rather than any specific act you were willing to perform.
It wasn't so much what you did but how you did it, with grace and passion, truly caring about the people you met and taking care of their needs, not performing a mechanical service but acting intuitively and from a genuine desire to please.
Ladies used the term to promote and distinguish themselves from the competition. Some lived up to that promise, others thought they could charge a premium for 5min of small talk and call themselves GFE providers.
Some clients tried to use the term to pressure a lady into providing unsafe practices, others rather innocently believed GFE meant you could do the thing you should only do when you are in an exclusive relationship or Catholic. Over the years, GFE has become a saturated word, its meaning varied according to each person's expectation and experience of what these letters should stand for.
I bet more people can agree on what PSE should be than what GFE is. Not surprising as one can be narrowed down to a specific set of services while the other is more about its emotional character.
In today's industry, providers have to categorize themselves as either GFE or PSE, so if you are not PSE, you are GFE by default. Many providers advertise as both, using a two-tier pricing system, which is good marketing sense.
The evolution of sex work is the evolution of desire.
In the age of porn, GFE and PSE are the terms most commonly used to label two seemingly opposing sexual appetites, the need for intimacy and romance vs sensationalistic graphic lust.
Personally, I don't see them so much as opposing but contrasting ways of how we enjoy sex.
Sex in real life is rarely linear. There will be variations in speed, rhythm and intensity. The line between lovemaking and fucking gets often blurred. (It's actually great when it does.) Like many people, I have a soft and a kinky side. What my service reflects are my natural inclinations with my boundaries determined by what I feel is safe for me. Some of the things that fall within my comfort zones may seem a shade dark, while other things that are considered standard, mainstream services fall clearly outside my boundaries. Whether that makes me soft or hardcore is ultimately for the client to decide.
I am a bit saddened that GFE, which in its original interpretation represented a quality service, is now considered standard operating procedure, a baseline value or just plain vanilla.
PSE attracts a higher premium, as well it should considering the acts involved are higher risk and more physically demanding. But as a result of the higher price tag, PSE has come to be considered the superior service to the degree that a provider can't advertise herself as 'elite' or 'high end' if she doesn't offer PSE services.
Review boards use the PSE factor as a demarcation line between a higher and lower class of service provider, which makes it all but impossible for GFE providers to get a high rating/ perfect review score even when the client wants to award them - in short, a glass ceiling.
What really makes me angry is when bullies (clients as well as fellow working ladies) tell fellow sex workers that they will never be successful in this industry unless they go full PSE, and that they should just 'get over themselves' and 'suck it up' and stop being 'lazy'.
It's not acceptable when sex workers who would really rather not provide PSE end up doing it anyway because they have been made to feel they are not trying hard enough or can't charge what they feel they are worth if they don't.
Every sex worker has the right to choose which type of service he or she wants to provide. Their choices and the reasons behind those choices are nobody's business but their own, and clients and industry peers who don't agree should at least have the courtesy to respect that choice.
There is no right or wrong, better or lesser way in choosing to do one or the other.
The only wrong is to make someone feel inferior for their personal convictions or forcing them to compromise their boundaries over something as discretionary as how to use their bodies in their chosen line of work.
The Art of Fingering
Someone asked me recently how I feel about fingering.
My answer to this question: Only if the finger in question is ...
a) well manicured and
b) deployed with skill and sensitivity.
Fingering seems to have become something of a lost art, to the point that the comedian Micky Flanagan is blaming the rise of teenage pregnancy in the UK on its demise.
People used to spend much more time just feeling their way around each others bits and pieces. Mind you, those were the days when going from first to second, and then from second to (holiest-of-holy) third base could take weeks, if not months! Even the transition from touching above the sweater to touching below the sweater was an achievement sometimes on par with the taking of Troy.
Unlike the penis, there is an actual bone in a finger and unless you have the ultimate sausage fingers, there is not much padding around that bone. And unlike boning with a penis, stiffies are less desirable when it comes to fingering. Bad fingering feels like being jabbed by a twig. Especially a twig that ends in a talon.
It's not enough to clip your nails (not just the one on the finger you think you are going to use, just do both hands wholesale), but make sure to file and buff them as well to blunt the shard edge (a friend of mine once likened the sensation of a freshly clipped nail snagging her lady bits to getting a papercut in the eye!). Don't worry about looking effeminate, files and buffers are your friends, use them.
As for the how-to, there is no one right way of doing it, but your finger should mimic the movements of an eel rather than a drill bit. For once, forget everything you have seen in porn, especially lesbian porn, and just FEEL. Yes, there are women who like to be fisted or masturbated with turbo-powered bottle brushes, but I can assure you, I wouldn't let your turbine digits come within a mile of me.
If your partner is less vocal about her needs, you will have to take your clues from her body language.
Squirming to get away from you? Back off.
Wriggling to change the angle or rhythm? Adapt.
Pushing up against you, cooing, moaning, shuddering, squirting? You the man.
This is NOT a competition
Some of my clients find it strange when I recommend other ladies to them. You would never catch Coca Cola say anything nice about Pepsi, so why would I give high praise to fellow escorts? Aren't they the competition?
I can't speak for everybody, but personally, I just don't see other ladies as rivals. Every person is unique and thus without equal. Unrivaled. It may seem like we exist in a competitive market where large numbers of women vie for men's attention. Fertile ground for jealousy and intrigue.
I know escorts who constantly compare themselves to other ladies, whose ambition is to be acknowledged as the 'best in the business' (there is no such thing, by the way), who get upset when someone else gets a more favorable review, more likes, more retweets, an attitude as immature as it is potentially self-destructive.
But what exactly are we competing on? Age? Looks? Service? Price?
In this most fragmented of industries, you can find women of any age (from barely legal to geriatric), any imaginable size, shape and color, charging from a pittance to a king's ransom for anything and nothing, flouting all mainstream perceptions of desirability and best value for money. And yet, every Jack will still have his Jill.
There is a type of customer I like to call the Cookie Cutter Buyer. He knows what he wants and one woman is as good as another as long as she ticks all the boxes, usually in terms of looks and services offered.
Opposite him, there is the The-One customer. He also looks for certain qualities in a woman, usually of the less tangible kind, and once he finds her, he tends to remain loyal to her.
Every escort counts at least one Cookie Cutter Buyer and one The-One customer among her clientele.
While both types of customers are particular about their requirements, the main difference between them is that to the Cookie Cutter Buyer, women are essentially interchangeable, and to the One-and-only customer, they are not.
Things You Wouldn't Say To Your Dentist - So Don't Say Them To Your Provider Either
#1 - "I have perfect beautiful teeth. You should service me for free because of all the fucking disgusting teeth you usually have to deal with."
# 2 - "I can't feel anything through your gloves. Can't you take them off? I'm very safe. Come on, I want to feel you."
# 3 - "No one takes care of my gums like you. What we have is special. Stop being a dentist. I don't want to share you with the other patients."
# 4 - "Why don't you give me your private number? I don't want to ring the clinic every time."
# 5 - "You could start working on my teeth for half an hour first. But if you enjoy it, you could just stay the night."
Things People Say To A Sex Worker
This is a compilation of actual email exchanges with strangers from the internet, questions that keep popping up in my inbox. If you liked this blog post, you might also enjoy reading "R U real? and 25 other questions" on my FAQ page :)
Q: I have never had to pay for sex.
A: While not technically a question, this one is a classic. It is also a conversational non-starter.
I would like to venture a guess that the majority of men and women who see escorts and other sex workers don't do it because they have to. They usually do it willingly and gladly.
A small group of people may do so because they are forced against their will, at gunpoint maybe, or by an inner demon. I wouldn't know, my policy is to only see people who come to me (and give to me) freely, of their own accord.
Saying to an escort that you never had to pay for sex is like walking into a restaurant and saying to the chef:
"I never had to pay for food." You are talking to the wrong person, pal.
Q: Are you afraid to be outed one day?
The people who are important to me are aware and respectful of my lifestyle choices. That is all that matters to me. If you are after sensationalism, there is little to be gained from outing me. I'm not a high profile person. The world at large couldn't care less about what I do. Sex work itself has become so mainstream that it has lost most of its shock value. If my picture were published in the papers tomorrow under the headline HER SECRET LIFE AS AN ESCORT REVEALED!!!, I bet, most readers would skip the page for to the latest article about the Kardashians.
If you are just curious about who I am in private, I can only quote what another escort had to say about that:
"If you know me, you already know me."
Q: how much bitch!
A: Err... I'm not at home.
Q: Fancy a root in the park? Why not? I didn't think I was talking to a choir girl!
A: Coupling in public places is not a service I provide. However, if you could see your way to locking the whole park down for our rendezvous, I might get tempted... And you could be mistaken about those choir girls!
On the whole, escorts tend to be an open minded bunch and we like to please our clients. But that does not mean that we have to be amenable to every sexual scenario suggested to us. We all have our own set of rules, boundaries, limitations as to the activities we are willing to engage in.
Escorts choose to provide their services based on their business model/ professional identity, aspects of safety, practicality, personal comfort level, competency, local legislation, and many others reasons. The choice to provide or not to provide a certain service is a personal one and should be respected as such.
Q: You hear about people dying while having sex. Has anyone... while you...?
A: A few of my clients have passed away, but not while they were with me.
Does it count if a client says "I think I died and went to heaven"?
Q: What can you not tolerate in a client?
A: Halitosis. If a lady offers you a mint, take the hint (as well as the mint).
Q: What makes you want to walk over and whack someone?
A: Sniffling kids. Asian parents, please stop telling your children it is impolite to blow your nose.
Q: Which part of your body do you feel most self-conscious about?
A: I have a rough left elbow. I had it for as long as I can remember and no amount of scrubbing and moisturizing can make it go away. I think I got it because I always prop myself up on that elbow when I read. I would call it Reader's syndrome, except there already is a medical condition by that name.
Q: What annoys you the most about guys who contact you for the first time?
A: When they obviously have not taken the time to read my website. Examples:
"Really interesting website! Any pics???"
"I noticed you don't have any close up/unblurred face/pussy pics on your website. Can you send me a couple by email so I can decide?"
"I'm interested in the girl called Fiona, but if she isn't available, who else you got?"
"I really want to see your face. Please?? You can close your eyes is fine!"
"Sam, I love your big black booty... when can we play honey???"
"Why don't you show me your face? I really want to see! Pleeeeeze (sic)!"
My other pet peeve is when people keep asking for things I don't provide (as clearly stated on my FAQ page) and then get pissed off when I tell them, no. Seriously, how hard is it to simply move on to another lady who does provide the service you seek and will gladly take your money?
Nothings brings you in touch with your own mortality like the sudden death of a loved one.
A friend of mine took a creative writing class once. One assignment was to write obituaries for each other, a rather macabre exercise, I thought at the time. But when I had to write the eulogy, I wished I had gone to his class and paid close attention. What was most devastating was the fact that all the things I ended up saying in the eulogy I never told my friend when she was still alive. Like the narrator in Steve Martin's novel The Pleasure Of My Company, I often find myself tongue-tied when it comes to expressing love and gratitude to those I owe the most to.
"I found it difficult to write back. But I did, stingy with loving words because they didn’t come out of me easily. I hoped she could read between the lines; I hoped that the presence of the letter in my own hand, the texture of it, the wear and tear it had received on its trip across five states revealed my heart to her. I can't explain why it's easy to tell you and not her how she smooths the way for me, how her letters are the only true things in my life, how touching them connects me to the world."
Reflecting on my own life, I hope one day to deserve an obituary like the following quote from Alan Epstein's As Romans Do:
"You are the very essence of what it means to be human.
You have had more than your share of victories and defeats, triumphs and tragedies, moments of glory and those of abjection, times when you wish you had never been born and times when you want to go on forever.
You have loved and lost, have abandoned and been left behind, been rich and poor, skinny and fat, lived high on the hog and been forced to scramble for a few morsels of stale bread.
You have seen it all, done it all, regretted it all, and then gone back and done it all again."
Has being a sex worker influenced your choices in real life relationships?
This question was recently put forth on a discussion board. It echoes many questions of a similar nature I have been asked over the years by friends, by clients, by strangers, such as whether being an escort has changed my attitude toward men, fidelity, sex, my own sexuality, how I define myself, how I define a relationship, what I look for in a man/relationship/life etc.
A friend of mine once pointed out to me that whenever someone asked me to describe the perfect relationship, I would use the relationship I have with one long term regular client as an example.
Being an escort has not changed my type, I still find myself drawn to the same type of man upon entering a room, I could still sort of fancy the actors I had a crush on as a teenager (if only they had aged a bit more gracefully/ hadn't been caught fucking their nanny/ abusing their girlfriends/ saying stupid things/ making stupid movies etc).
But the fact that I have had some of the best sex/talks/times with clients who definitely did not fit my type, has opened my eyes about the ''dichotomy between whom we find attractive in the abstract and whom we actually want to fuck" (Elizabeth Wurtzel said it first, though if I remember correctly, she used the phrase 'to make love to' in her essay, an uncharacteristically tender sentiment for her).
You could say, being an escort has widened the dating pool for me as I became less prejudiced and more open to casting against type when picking up a guy I would have completely dismissed in my pre-escort years.
As for long-term relationships, my requirements have naturally changed somewhat over time, together with my whole outlook on life as people become more mature with age and experience. As my work is such a big part of my life and has done a lot to shape me as a person, these changes will have directly and indirectly affected the way I view and handle relationships.
The main difference between my current self and my pre-escort self is that I am a much more level-headed and self-assured person now and don't use sex/men/relationships to look for a false sense of security and self worth.
Being an independent business woman with all the ups and downs attached to freelance work and frequent relocations has made me confident and assertive. Being an escort has made me more astute to the needs of men and women, including my own. As a professional confidante who is mostly watching from the sidelines and often asked to comment or advise, I take a more rational and pragmatic view on relationship issues.
What I found is that the client/escort business relationship arrangement suits me best.
I like compartmentalization.
I like clearly defined (and respected) boundaries.
I like that we can both leave and go back to our own lives.
I like being the bit on the side, the occasional treat.
I like secret trysts in hotel rooms.
I like being paid with cash and kind- and kinkyness instead of family discounts for taxes and insurance and one day maybe half of everything.
I like being single.
So, while being an escort has put me in a position where I can make better choices for myself as I know what I want and what is good for me, it has also somewhat spoiled me for real relationships because things are actually quite perfect the way they are right now.